Hayley's Journal

yeah, its from a while ago, but i never get sick of reading it. sometimes when i think about the way i feel about you, that maybe its just something i like to play around with in my head, just a simple memory or somewhat of a fabricated half-fantasy. and then i read this and i dont think it could ever be just a simple memory. or that my feelings for you could ever be just a fabrication. it really is strange how every line evokes a different mix of happiness, joy or just pure pain and regret. i dont want to see you again, for fear of what will happen. at the same time its all i want. all i've ever wanted.

i know it sounds weird but im pretty sure its my definition of love:

i remember the way we raced at the pool and i beat you. maybe because you were on adam's team. probably because you let me.

i remember the train ride to edinburgh, fixing my makeup before we got off, seeing you in the station, not being able to look you in the face, and the bus ride to your house.

i remember us dancing to the full monty soundtrack in your room.

i remember watching you sit in your chair, or on your bed. i remember watching the sun rise.

i remember your dog having puppies.

i remember that morning we got in a fight.

i remember leaving, all of us standing outside, me not hugging you goodbye and later adam telling me that you had tears in your eyes.

i remember you cooking dinner.

i remember us going to the gym.

i remember driving through the hills listening to phish.

i remember calling your cell phone in the middle of the night, even though you were in the next room, and making you do your "i see dead people" impression.

i remember how you made fun of matt and i pretended i hated it, but i didn't.

i remember when you touched my hand while we played on the computer.

i remember throwing peas at you and you catching them in your mouth.

i remember calling matt from your house, though i wish i could forget.

i remember playing cricket, all of us, in the back field. i remember being so mad and throwing the ball so hard. i remember looking back at you, and the way you looked at me. i cant forget that. i dont want to.

i remember talking to you on the phone christmas day. falling off the bed because i was so excited, and you laughing. i love the way you laugh.

i remember how i used to love when you called me "Me Bella" even though it wasnt that long ago.

i remember your family being in California. how i felt when i found out you had a girlfriend. how i felt when i found out you didn't.

i remember standing outside your door at 1 in the morning, wanting to say im sorry. i was afraid. i remember later how you said you wished i had.

i remember how when you slept on the floor at my house, how i said i was afraid of the wall just so i could be closer to you.

i remember the way i felt on the drive to the airport. it was the worst feeling i've had in my entire life. i remember the plane ride home, it was worse.

i remember how when adam fell asleep in your bed how we gently put him on some blankets on the floor, but when he sleepily tried to get back in, we jumped to shut off the lights and hopped in our beds. i remember hearing your muffled laugher.

i remember how my manager at wendys called you "scottie hottie" and jim calls you "the european"

i remember how i felt after you IMed me, after all that time.

i remember the way you made adam smile.

i remember how you use to love oakley sunglasses.

i remember throwing poppers out of your bedroom window.

i remember you telling me not to count the days because it makes the time go slow. (too late)

i remember sitting by the fire in your parents summer home.

i remember how when i played the piano at your house you used to stand and watch me, thinking i didn't know you were there.

i remember how you used to call your pregnant dog "Dusty-kid" and pat her on the head.

i remember how you use to love diet coke.

i remember how you used to say stupid things, like "no, nothing, nada sausage"

i remember how we went to that carnival thing, and we thought we lost adam for a second..i remember the way you raced back looking for him. i remember the way i felt about you after that, i felt that you were really special.

i remember how you hated rap. how you loved queen.

i remember the chin-up bar in the doorway of your room.

i remember adam, katherine, you and i playing laser tag.

i remember the talk of us going to france together. i remember telling you about my love of the ocean.

i remember adam and katherine falling asleep and us watching the end of "the bodyguard" together. i dont remember everything we talked about, and i wish i did. i'd give anything to re-live that night just one more time. anything.

Current Music: the stone - dave matthews

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